Breath Before the Plunge
by Dragonsmaidan
Summary: After Spencer Reid finishes a case at his old college he is haunted by memories from his past. Can Derek help him?


**Breath Before the Plunge**

**Disclaimer: The only part of Criminal Minds I do own is the first four seasons on DVD.**

**A/N: This fic was supposed to be a short one shot inspired by the Taylor Swift song Fifteen. I think the plot bunnies took steroids and crack and this was the result after four long days. Reviews are much welcome and appreciated. Enjoy.**

Spencer Reid sat up in his bed suddenly; he was covered in sweat. His sheets were soaked and he was shaking. The dreams had been getting more frequent; this was the third night in a row. Spencer thought he could handle them on his own but he was getting less and less sure.

Spencer grabbed his glasses and pushed them onto his nose then glanced at his alarm clock, 2:47, he sighed, three and a half hours until he usually got ready for work. He reached for his phone then changed his mind half way through, it was too late to call anyone, he wasn't sure whom he would call anyway.

Deciding that sleep was no longer an option after lying in his bed for a good 20 minutes and feeling wide awake, he pulled himself up. He felt sticky and disgusting, he looked back down at his sheets and ripped them from his bed tossing them in a crumpled pile on the floor. He'd do the laundry when he got home after work.

He pulled his pajamas off and tossed them on the top of the sheets and walked towards his bathroom. He stepped in the shower and turned the water as hot as it would go, scalding his skin, trying to wash the memories away along with the traces of sweat. His thoughts still raced, however, as he scrubbed roughly at his scalp with shampoo. Why did these dreams keep plaguing him? He thought he had moved past all that.

Spencer rinsed his hair and shut off the water. He grabbed his towel and dried his body and hair. As he lifted the towel from his face, he found he was staring at himself in the mirror. He almost didn't recognize the man staring back at him through the hazy reflective glass. His skin look pastier than normal, ashen, not quite gray, and he had deep purple smudges under his eyes, which looked unclear, fogged with memories, and fears of what was to come. He wiped at the condensation on the mirror, briefly obscuring his face trying to wipe away his negative thoughts.

Spencer turned away from the mirror and walked back into his bedroom to get dressed. Once he was dressed he again looked at his clock, 3:52. He sighed and grabbed a couple of books off his bedside table and trudged to the kitchen to start his coffee. He then sat down at the table, opening a book, and waited until it was time to leave for work and face his day.

Derek Morgan was half an hour early to work; he'd been tossing and turning all night thinking; when his alarm had gone off at six he didn't hit the snooze button like he normal did. So when Derek got off the elevator he was a little surprised to see the person who had been occupying his thoughts already in the bullpen.

Spencer was bent over his desk scribbling furiously at paperwork Derek was almost sure he had finished yesterday. Derek set his things at his desk accidentally knocking over his stapler in the process.

Spencer's head shot up at the sudden noise and his eyes caught Derek's as Derek stood and replaced the stapler. Derek was slightly stunned and the sheepish grin that had been on his face was replaced with one of concern. Spencer looked as though he hadn't slept in days. Derek quickly hurried to Spencer's desk.

"What's wrong?" Derek asked bluntly.

"Nothing's wrong," Spencer looked down at the hands in his lap while Derek pulled up another chair.

"Something's wrong, Pretty Boy," he took Spencer's hands causing Spencer to look up startled. "I can tell."

"I've just been having dreams again." Spencer looked down again. "New ones this time. More like memories rather than dreams," he said correcting himself.

As Derek opened his mouth to reply Garcia walked in heading towards her office. He gave Spencer's hand a squeeze after giving Garcia a nod in response to her questioning glance. "I'll come by your apartment later and we can talk about it, okay?"

Spencer nodded and Derek tucked a stray strand of hair behind his ear. He gave Spencer a soft smile and walked back towards his desk as the rest of his teammates and the other members of the BAU began to arrive.

Spencer was nervous. He had finished all his paperwork ahead of Derek and headed home with Derek's parting message that he would grab something for them on his way over.

Spencer had spent the last two hours flitting around his apartment. He could not stay still. First he had sat on his couch and tried to read, and then he had put down his book after five minutes when he could no longer focus on the pages and turned on his television flipping through the channels. Deciding he was to nervous to sit he had turned the T.V. off and jumped up proceeding to straighten and tidy things in his apartment that had already been straight and tidy to begin with. When he was finished he would start the cycle all over again.

Spencer was in the "trying to read stage" of his nervous cycle when his doorbell rang. Spencer jumped up and practically ran to his door. He was a little breathless when he opened it for Derek. He stood there for a moment self-consciously.

"Can I come in? These are a little heavy," Derek said lifting the plastic bags he had in both of his hands.

"Oh, right. Sorry," Spencer mumbled blushing and moving out of the way.

"Pretty Boy, calm down." Derek said placing the bags on the kitchen counter. "We're going to have a nice dinner then settle on your comfy couch and talk." Derek came up behind Spencer as Spencer was shutting the front door and wrapped his arms around Spencer's midsection setting his chin on Spencer's shoulder so his lips were right next to Spencer's ear. "Relax, it's just me. You know you can tell me anything."

Spencer took a calming breath and settled himself into Derek's arms. "I know. I'm just not quite used to having someone to tell things to. I'm used to having to solve everything myself. It's been that way for a very long time," Spencer laid his head back.

After standing there for a few minutes, just holding each other, Derek gave Spencer's cheek a small nudge with his nose. "Let's eat or the food will get cold."

Spencer reluctantly pulled out of Derek's arms and went to grab plates and cutlery while Derek started pulled containers out of the bags and setting them on the table.

As Derek started the dishes after their meal Spencer went into his bedroom to start the laundry he had neglected that morning. Picking up the pale blue sheets reminded him of what he and Derek were going talk about. He hurriedly stuffed them in the washer and rushed into the bathroom where he spent a few minutes collecting himself. He'd never told anyone what he was about to tell Derek. It had affected his present so much. He knew this was going to take a lot out of him and he was dreading it.

Derek called his name from the living room and Spencer knew the time had come. He steeled himself with one last glance in the mirror and walked out to meet Derek who was waiting for him.

Derek was seated so his back was resting against one of the couch's arms with his legs splayed out in front of him. He motioned for Spencer to join him, which Spencer did, willingly, pressing his back to Derek's chest entwining their fingers against his stomach.

"Now, Pretty Boy, tell me about these dreams, memories," Derek said remembering Spencer's correction earlier, "whatever," he continued. "When did they start?"

Spencer sighed, it was time to let the memories out: the good and the bad. The memories he had kept to himself for thirteen years. Spencer took a deep breath and began with the story that changed his life and had brought him to where he was today.

"The dreams started after we got back from the case in California, the one at CalTech," Derek nodded and Spencer shifted slightly. "I should start at the beginning," he said shaking his head as if to clear the fuzz in his brain and get his thoughts in order.

"It all started when I was fifteen. I was a grad student working on getting my first PhD in math while simultaneously getting my undergrad degree in Chemistry." Derek gave a little chuckle earning him a look.

"Anyway," Spencer continued. "The first day of my Physical Chemistry II class was when it happened. That was the day my life changed…."

* * *

Fifteen year-old Spencer Reid walked into his Physical Chemistry II class and took a seat in the front row. This was Spencer's third year at college, having graduated high school at the tender age of twelve. Spencer was kind of scrawny for his age, it didn't help that he was surrounded constantly by people, at their youngest, two years older than him. He was skinny, but he had had a little bit of a growth spurt over the summer and was now standing at about 5 foot 9, which he thought was a rather respectable height given his age and his genetics.

Spencer was pulling his textbook, binder, and notebook from his incredibly crammed backpack when a boy plopped down in the seat next to him. Spencer paused mid-task and looked up; he wasn't used to people sitting next to him or sitting in the front row at all, especially someone who looked like this boy. The boy looked like he could be the quarterback of the football team; well built, muscular, sandy blond hair only slightly lighter than Spencer's own. Experience told Spencer that guys like that normally sat in the back of the classroom and picked on boys like him.

Spencer went back to his task, of unpacking his things and getting ready for class to start, with a small shrug. He was once again surprised when the boy next to him turned and began to talk.

"Hi, my name's Matthew." The boy stuck out his hand to Spencer. "Most everyone calls me Matt though."

"Uh, S-Spencer," he stammered taking the proffered hand.

"I've heard this professor is a real bitch. Have you had her before?" Matt asked.

"No. I haven't," Spencer said straightening one of his pencils.

"Well I guess we'll just have to see together then, won't we?" Matt said giving Spencer a dazzling smile then turning to get his own supplies out.

When the class ended Matt gathered his things quickly. As he slung his bag onto his back he clapped Spencer on the shoulder and held it there a fraction of a second too long to be considered purely manly, not that Spencer noticed. "See ya later Spence." Matt said, again with that bright smile, before he strode away and was lost in the pack of students exiting the classroom.

And that's how it happened every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Spencer would arrive in class and begin to unpack his things and Matt would sit down next to him and start talking to him, asking him questions.

They talked about everything and anything. Matt learned that Spencer was a fifteen year-old genius, whose favorite color was light blue, like the sky. That Spencer, though he knew it was irrational, sometimes wished he could fly just so he could escape his life for a little while. Matt learned that Spencer hated spinach but absolutely love brussel sprouts and never ate carrots unless he had to. He learned that Spencer really wanted to join the school's fencing team, but couldn't because he couldn't get a hold of his mom, who was really sick, to have her sign the form, since he was underage, and that Spencer was really worried about her and afraid something may have happened, but had no way to get to her to check.

Spencer learned that Matt had an older sister who had gone to the Olympics as a figure skater at the age of sixteen and still managed to get straight A's and that Matt's parents expected him to do well in athletics as well as academics. Spencer also learned that Matt was only majoring in Chemistry because his father had wanted him to and that Matt actually had a passion for writing and psychology and really wanted to travel the globe or at least the country.

Every class would always end the same way as well. Matt would touch Spencer on the shoulder and say, "See ya later Spence."

The class after their first Chemistry test changed their routine.

Matt was quiet with only a muffled "Hi," after Spencer greeted him and plopped down into his chair rather harder than necessary.

"What's wrong?" Spencer had grown fond of their conversations and he was worried about his friend.

"The test," was all Matt said as the professor started calling people's names and handing back test papers.

"Matthew Overton." Matt groaned and raised his hand. His head fell to the desk with a thump as soon as his eyes landed on the grade.

"Spencer Reid." Spencer's hand went up and the professor handed him his paper with a smile. 102. Spencer flipped his paper over so Matt wouldn't see the grade. He didn't want to make his friend more upset.

"What did you get?" Matt asked raising his head slightly.

"You don't want to know." Spencer said trying to spare Matt's feelings as he started to slide the test paper into his binder as the professor began class.

Spencer made a slight noise of protest as Matt snatched the paper from his hand. "102!" Matt's voice was strained. "How did you make a 102?" Matt's voice rose with the question and the professor shot him a dirty look. Spencer shrugged.

"Look, you have to help me." Matt hissed to avoid the professor reprimand. Spencer broke his note taking long enough to write neatly at the top of the page. 'Okay, I'll help you. Details after class?'

Matt glanced over and wrote in large messy scrawl at the top of his own notes, 'YES! Thank you!'

That day after class Matt didn't rush off like usual. He packed his things much slower. "Thank you so much Spence. I can't fail this class, my dad would kill me." Matt gushed.

"Don't mention it." Spencer blushed lightly. "How about the library? Tonight? 7 o'clock? Fifth floor?" Spencer questioned bending down to zip his bag closed.

"Make it coffee shop then library and it's a deal." Matt said grinning, his bad mood gone since Spencer had agreed to help him.

"I don't usually drink much coffee but," Spencer said seeing the sad puppy dog look in Matt's eyes. "I suppose I can try it this once or maybe I'll get some tea." Spencer stopped thinking aloud at the sight of Matt's sour face. "Fine, I'll get coffee."

"Fantastic," Matt said hoisting his bag up. "It's a date." He grasped Spencer's shoulder and gave it a squeeze. "See you tonight Spence." With that he walked away leaving a slightly flustered Spencer behind.

"Spence," Matt called across the campus coffee shop where he was sitting with a steaming cup in front of him. "You're early actually," he said checking his watch as Spencer approached him.

"I'm a pretty fast eater," Spencer lied, not wanting to admit that he had been looking forward to their meeting all day and that he had actually skipped dinner because the butterflies had been overwhelming and he wasn't sure he could have kept anything down. "Why are you here so early?" Spencer questioned.

"I really like coffee?" Matt laughed nervously at his own feeble attempt at a lie. He had been relieved when Spencer had agreed to help him in Chemistry. He was really excited and he couldn't explain why, as a result he had already downed a large coffee and was working on his second. "You should get some," he said raising his glass.

"I don't know what's good," Spencer explained looking over the menu.

"Try this," Matt handed Spencer his cup. Spencer looked at the caramel colored liquid suspiciously. "It's good I promise."

Spencer took a gulp and made a slight face. "It's so sweet." Matt grinned. "How can you drink it with that much sugar?"

Matt shrugged. "I don't know. Just can. You should go get something so we can start studying or in my case learning." He made his fingers into a gun and mimed shooting himself.

Spencer giggled and walked up to the counter to order his coffee. He made sure to get it as black as possible.

"We've been studying forever." Matt complained. He was pretty sure he was running off pure caffeine and sugar. He and Spencer had walked to the library after Matt had gotten another cup to go with a side shot of espresso.

"It has not been forever," Spencer said absently. "Forever is a time that can't be quantified."

Matt groaned. "I feel like I'm not absorbing any of this. It just looks like a bunch of gibberish."

Spencer glanced at his watch. "Maybe we should call it a night. We have been at this for over five hours."

"What time is it?"

"Almost one."

"Really? Wow. Yeah we should call it a night." Matt said yawning and gathering his things. "Where do you live?"

"Why?"

"I want to walk you back." Matt winced. That sounded stupid and inane even to him, but there was no way he was going to let Spencer walk home alone at one in the morning.

"Oh, uh, Avery House. It's really not that far. I can manage."

"I want to," Matt stated, he argue with Spencer for all he was worth on this one if he had to. "Please," he added.

Spencer sighed and gave in. "Okay."

"Great." Matt's face lightened as he grabbed his bag.

The walk to Avery House didn't take long. Spencer and Matt chatted pleasantly and all too soon they arrived at the door.

Spencer stood awkwardly in front of Matt, he felt foolish. "I had a great time tonight," Spencer finally said shuffling his feet a little.

"Yeah me too. We should definitely do it again sometime. I need all the help I can get." Matt smiled as Spencer laughed.

"Yeah you do," Spencer joked. "Well I guess I should go," Spencer said after a few moments of silence.

"Yeah, I suppose."

As Spencer turned and started to walk up the steps to the door Matt called him back. "Spencer wait." Spencer turned back around to find Matt right behind him.

Matt knew that it was caffeine, sugar, and pure adrenaline that drove him to press his lips to Spencer's. He ran his tongue over Spencer's lips asking for permission to enter. His hands found Spencer's waist while Spencer's hands grasped at his shoulders.

When they broke apart they were both a little breathless. Spencer was blushing brightly, but he was smiling widely, which Matt took as a good sign.

"Well," Matt said after a while. "Good night I guess."

"Night," Spencer said a little dazed but looking very happy. He walked up the rest of the stairs and started opening the door when he heard Matt's voice once again.

"See ya later Spence."

Spencer practically ran to his room. He sank down against the back of the door and touched his lips. They tingled as if he could still feel Matt's on his own. He'd never considered himself gay before, but then he'd never had time to consider his sexuality much at all. That kiss though, that kiss had felt, right, perfect even. A grin broke over his face. He pushed himself up off the floor, and got ready for bed, still grinning.

When Spencer arrived in Chemistry, two days after his study session with Matt, he was nervous and scared but mostly excited. He wasn't sure what was going to happen but had decided he was going to take it as it came. He just hoped if nothing else happened between them that he and Matt could still be friends.

Spencer began to unpack his things from his bag. He had just pulled his binder out when Matt slid into the seat next to him.

"Hey, Spence." Spencer sat his binder down shakily and turned to look at Matt.

"Hey," he wasn't sure what to say. He'd never been in this situation before. Matt had been his first kiss. They hadn't taught him in school how to deal with the after effects. In fact, school hadn't taught him anything that would help him in this situation.

Luckily Matt decided how it was going to be dealt with for him. "Spencer, I was wondering if," he stumbled a bit showing his nervousness, then cleared his throat and continued. "If you wanted to maybe go to the movies and grab dinner with me tomorrow night?"

"Grab dinner and a movie how?" Spencer wanted to be very clear, he didn't want any confusion that could ruin Matt and his friendship. "You mean as study partners and friends or…" Spencer let the second option hang unspoken in the air.

"Like a date." Matt whispered the last word but Spencer heard it nonetheless.

A smile broke over Spencer's face and Matt smiled as well.

When Matt was done packing up after Chemistry, he touched Spencer's forearm, this time, and said, "See you tomorrow Spence. I'll pick you up at 6."

Spencer was having a small crisis in his room. He had no clue what he was doing. It was 5:30 and he still had no idea what to wear. What was appropriate to wear on a first date? Jeans? Button ups and vests? He had no clue. He had been staring at his closet for at least half an hour and he had realized how deficient his wardrobe selection really was. He really wished he had asked Matt for more details, like how fancy the restaurant was, what Matt was going to be wearing, he finally understood why all the girls in the building and in his high school became crazy when it came to dates.

He finally gave up and put on some nice khakis and a nice green button up he had. He remembered when he had worn it once before Matt had said it was his favorite shade of green.

Spencer locked up his room and went to wait for Matt by the front door so no one in the House would have to fetch him. Just as Spencer arrived at the bottom of the stairs a knock sounded. Spencer opened the door to reveal Matt in a pair of nice jeans and a white button up shirt.

Spencer smiled. "You're early."

Matt smiled back. "You are too, you were waiting for me at the door. Eager much?" Spencer blushed hard and felt even younger than he was. "I'm just playing," Matt said as Spencer pulled the door shut behind him. "I love the shirt by the way."

Spencer beamed and looked up from the ground. "So where are you taking me Mr. Overton?"

"You'll see." Matt laughed and grabbed Spencer's hand and pulled him towards the car that was parked at the street corner.

Spencer couldn't help the dance of joy what he did when he got back to his room. He felt like a giddy schoolgirl rather than the dignified young genius he liked to think he was, but at this point he didn't care. He flopped onto his bed as his mind raced through the highlights of the evening. When Matt had put his hand on top of Spencer's at the restaurant. When their hands had collided in the popcorn tub and when Matt had done the stupid fake yawn in order to get his arm around Spencer's shoulders at the movie. On the car ride home when they had held hands and the kiss Matt had given him on the stairs outside of the building that still had him reeling. Spencer's past had never let him consider that he could have someone, but he was starting to think now that maybe that was possible, and that maybe, just maybe, Matt was just that person.

When Spencer arrived in Chemistry on Monday he couldn't stop smiling. He felt like he could feel the moment Matt walked in the room even though he knew that was impossible. Spencer looked over at Matt as he sat down and a goofy smile broke over Matt's face. They talked before class like normal, but in the middle of class while they were writing down a complex formula Matt reached under the table and took Spencer's free hand in his own.

At the end of class Matt waited as Spencer gathered all his things and instead of saying, "See ya later Spence" Matt walked out with Spencer and all the way to Spencer's next class and even gave him a short kiss goodbye.

That became their new routine, holding hands during class, walking together, going on dates, and just hanging out, both in and out of class.

Spencer and Matt had been dating for three months.

They were lying on the couch in Matt's apartment when their relationship took its next big step.

"My parents are so happy," Matt said carding his hands through Spencer's hair. "They're noticed the improvement of the grades in all my classes. And they didn't compare me to my sister once this weekend," he said happily.

"That's what happens when you have a genius for a boyfriend." Spencer replied lazily, loving the feeling of Matt's hands in his hair.

"How's your mom?" Matt asked quietly after they had been sitting in silence for a while.

Spencer stiffened momentarily. "She's okay, I guess, no worse than normal." He said shrugging.

"I could drive you out there this weekend if you wanted. I would love to meet her. She sounds fascinating."

Spencer turned in his arms and looked at him suspiciously. "You really want to meet my mom?" he said incredulously.

"Of course I want to meet your mom," Matt pushed his forehead against Spencer's. "When are you going to get it into your big brain that I love you."

Spencer's breath hitched. The only person that had ever told him that they loved him was his mother and she only said it a few times. No one had ever said 'I love you' to Spencer, not like that. He pulled back a little and stared hard into Matt's eyes searching for any signs that Matt was lying to him. "Really? You mean it?" He sounded like a child, but Matt just smiled at him and pressed a deep kiss to Spencer's lips.

"Yes Spence, really."

Their first fight was awful and was probably something that could have been avoided. It was about a month after Matt had driven Spencer to see his mother. They were sitting in the coffee shop where Matt was helping Spencer with German; the only class he was even marginally better than Spencer in. Spencer had gotten into the bad habit of getting coffee whenever he and Matt went to the coffee shop together.

"Hey, Matt?" Spencer said finishing a sentence of his German translation.

"H'mm," Matt hummed, quickly finishing the paragraph in his book before looking up at Spencer.

"Why haven't I met your family?"

This question took Matt completely by surprise. "What?"

"Your family, why haven't you taken me to meet them?" Spencer repeated even though he knew Matt had heard him the first time. "I mean," he continued. "You've met my mom. Even if she wasn't in her best condition." Spencer grimaced.

"Yeah, I have." Matt paused. "Look Spence." Matt sighed. "You don't want to meet them. They wouldn't understand."

"What do you mean 'understand'?" Spencer looked up sharply. "You have told them about us, right?"

"Spencer I can't. Your mom, all she wants is for you to be happy and healthy. My parents aren't like that. They expect me to get a degree, a good job, get married, and have a family. They don't even know I'm gay." Matt said plainly.

"You could still bring me home to meet them, I could just be a friend from school." Spencer said hopefully.

"No Spencer. I can't. Just let it go." Matt said with finality.

"I won't. Matt it's not just your family I want to meet. It's your friends too."

"You've met my friends." Matt said defensively.

"Two! I've met two! And that was by accident we ran into them and then you introduced me as your 'friend from Chemistry.'" Spencer said his voice rising. "Are you ashamed of me?" Spencer asked.

"No. Look people just wouldn't understand."

"Is it because I'm another boy?"

"No, well it might be for some people, but I don't care about them." Matt was starting to look uncomfortable.

"Well then what is it?"

"Spencer, calm down and let it go." Matt placed his hand on Spencer's arm.

"I won't calm down. Tell me what it is. Why are you so ashamed of me!"

"Fine," Matt said giving up. "If you really want to know. It's your age. People already think it's weird that I'm hanging out with a fifteen year-old. I don't want to think about what they would do if they found out I was dating you."

Spencer froze. Age had never been an issue with them. Spencer tended to forget his age especially when he was around Matt. They had always connected on a higher level. Their six-year age difference had never really crossed Spencer's mind and he definitely never thought it would be a problem.

Matt continued, "Right now I'm glad I didn't introduce them to you. You're behaving like a—a child!" Matt regretted his words immediately. Spencer jerked his arm way from Matt as though he had been burned.

Spencer had tried all his life to escape the label of 'child'. Matt knew that and he knew how Spencer felt about that word and yet he had still deliberately used it to hurt him.

Spencer began throwing things into his bag.

"Spence stop," Matt reached out towards him as Spencer threw the last book in and zipped his bag.

"_Don't_ touch me." Spencer hissed dangerously pulling his backpack over his shoulder. He then turned and walked away leaving a stunned Matt behind him.

It was three days before Spencer would even speak to Matt and even then it was only monosyllabic words. It took another week before Spencer listened to Matt's apology. It took Spencer fifteen minutes to accept it and it took them another five seconds after Spencer's acceptance to kiss and make up. Both had been miserable during their time apart but Spencer's pride had kept him from Matt, wasting, unbeknownst to him, precious time.

Matt held Spencer's face in his hands. "I'm so so sorry." Matt continued to repeat his apology.

Tears were shining in both their eyes as Spencer stroked Matt's face. "I know. I'm sorry too. I was just being childish and stupid."

More kisses were exchanged following Spencer's words. The kisses turned into touches. Clothes were lost, skin was explored, Spencer lost something that night he could never get back, something he gave to Matt willingly and he wouldn't have changed that for anything in the world.

"Spencer," Matt and Spencer were lying in Matt's bed one night a couple of weeks after their fight enjoying the afterglow of a session of lovemaking. Spencer was pressed with his back to Matt's chest, Matt's arm circled protectively around him.

Spencer hummed with lazy pleasure letting Matt know he was listening.

"What do you want to do?" Matt asked.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean when you get out of school. You can't get degrees forever."

"Why not?" Spencer said joking.

"Come on, I'm serious."

"I don't know," Spencer thought for second. "I'll probably teach. I mean school is all I know. Why?"

"I was just wondering," Matt said.

"What do you want to do?" Spencer turned over so his chin resting on Matt's chest.

"You know what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna graduate, get a job in a lab, and think about whether I want to go to grad school or not."

Spencer frowned. "That's what your father wants you to do."

"Yeah well," Matt avoided Spencer's eyes. "That's what's gonna happen. What dad wants is what dad gets." He shrugged.

"You shouldn't let him control your life like that." Spencer said it as though he were simply pointing out an obvious fact, which to Spencer is exactly what it was.

"I know," Matt said sighing. "I just don't know what else to do."

"Well, what do you want to do?" Spencer said restating his earlier question. "Forget your parents, your sister, everything. If you could do anything in the world what would it be?"

Matt thought hard. "Anything?"

"Absolutely anything."

"I know I would want to study more into human behavior, but most of all I think I would want to help people." Matt had such passion in his voice as he spoke.

Spencer smiled. "You should do that." Matt shook his head. "Look," Spencer continued. "I heard that the Psychology Department is having a guest speaker at the end of next month. Profiler for the FBI or something. You and I should go; if you don't like it or you don't find it remotely interesting, then become a Chemist."

"And if I do find it interesting?" Matt looked at him grinning.

"You should follow your heart and do what you want to do."

"Okay, you win." Matt said pulling Spencer up to kiss his lips. "We'll go to the talk."

"And you'll think about changing your career if you like it?"

Matt smiled, "We'll see." Both knew Matt would do no such thing and that he was just humoring Spencer, but for now, that was enough.

Spencer was getting worried Matt was never late. Spencer had been waiting at the door for 45 minutes; he went into the main room of Avery House and grabbed the phone, dialing the number for Matt's apartment from memory. There was no answer. Spencer heard Matt's answering machine click on.

"Hey Matt. It's Spencer; I'm just wondering where you are. If I haven't heard from you in another 15 minutes, I'll just walk to your place. I love you. Bye"

Spencer hung up the phone and sat down on a couch. He grabbed a random book off the coffee table in front of him and cracked the cover. His eyes flew across the words on the pages and within five minutes he had finished the book and picked up another. His reading speed increased when he was worried.

By the time Spencer had finished his second book ten minutes had passed and he felt he could wait no longer.

It was pitch dark outside except for the sliver of the moon and dim glow of the orange street lamps that lit his way. Matt's house wasn't far, just on the other side of campus. Deep down Spencer felt something was wrong, but he told himself Matt had most likely fallen asleep and would wake up when Spencer arrived, red faced, feeling stupid and embarrassed for missing their date and worrying Spencer.

When Spencer turned the corner to get on to the main walkway through campus he was blinded. Half a dozen police cars and an ambulance were in front of him, blue, red, and white lights were flashing, reflecting off windows and magnifying their affect. He could see the yellow of police tape directly in front of him. His instincts made him shoot foreword, in his gut he had the worst feeling.

An officer stepped in front of him just as he reached a point where he could see what was going on behind the tape.

"Sorry son, you can't go through here, you'll have to go around." The officer motioned to make his point.

"What happened?" Spencer leaned sideways trying to see around the officer. He caught a glimpse of someone kneeling on the ground next to something large before the officer shifted once again obstructing his vision.

"There's been a mugging."

"Was anyone hurt?" Spencer was afraid to know the answer.

"I'm sorry. I can't say. You should get going."

Out of the corner of his eye Spencer saw a man approaching where he knew the mass to be behind the cop. Was it a body, he suspected so. Was it Matt? He couldn't tell, not from this distance, not with the police officer standing directly in front of him. Spencer knew he would receive no further information from the officer. Yet, he had to know. Spencer had to be sure.

Before the officer could react, Spencer darted past him and under the yellow police tape straight towards the body.

The sight that met his eyes was horrendous and he knew it would be branded into his memory forever. Spencer retched. There was a pool of blood on the cement at his feet. Tears sprang to his eyes as they traveled from the blood, to the body; to the white shirt stained red, coming to rest on the pale face that was so familiar to him. Matt's eyes were open wide and unseeing. Spencer fell to the ground.

The officer he had dodged had finally caught up to him demanding answers. Spencer tried to explain but all that issued from his mouth were gurgling sounds and pitiful whimpers. Spencer clutched at Matt's hand willing him back to life.

Yet, Spencer knew as the officer pulled him away and Matt's hand remained cold that there were going to be nothing but dark days ahead.

On the day of Matt's funeral, three days after Spencer had found him surrounded by police, Spencer was up and ready to go long before the service was due to start. Spencer had slept very little the past few nights and had taken to replaying memories of Matt in his head. Currently he sat on his bed fingering a framed picture. The only one of Matt he had. Spencer had taken it one afternoon, randomly, when he and Matt had been playing on the swings in some little park. The look on Matt's face was pure joy. Spencer smiled for what felt like the first time in days, he remembered how Matt had jumped off the swing and tackled him almost breaking the camera in the process.

Spencer put down the picture after a long while, grabbed his coat, and headed downstairs to catch the taxi that would take him to the place where he would see Matt's face in the flesh for the last time.

The service had been beautiful. It was everything he could have wanted for the love of his life. Spencer had stopped on the way to the funeral home and picked up a white lily, Matt's favorite, to place on his grave. He had earned suspicious looks when he had gone up to Matt's casket, where he stood staring, drinking in the features of his love for the last time.

Spencer had opted not to go to the reception, but instead went back to his room to change and head out to Matt's apartment later and collect his belongs he had left there.

Dressed in Matt's baggy sweatshirt that he had found in the back of his closet, Spencer walked up the stairs and knocked on the door of Matt's apartment. He had stopped by the front desk to ask the landlady whether or not it would be okay and she had told him to go on up, it was open, Matt's parents were in there already.

"Can I help you?" Matt's father opened the door.

"Yes sir, I'm—" Spencer stopped for a second. "A friend of Matt's. I left some things of mine here and I was wondering if it would be possible for me to get them."

Matt's father stepped aside. "Of course. We were just gathering a few things of our own."

What Spencer saw devastated him. There were thrash bags full of Matt's things everywhere, all haphazardly thrown about. Matt's posters and things that had been so central to Matt's personality had been ripped from the walls and thrown carelessly about.

"What are you doing?" Spencer spoke before he could stop himself.

"Excuse me?" Matt's father had a hard face. Spencer had noticed it the moment he had laid eyes on Matt's family for the first time in the funeral home. He had not liked the look of them, but he had refrained from speaking to them, other than giving his condolences, purely out of respect for Matt. This time Matt wasn't there and Spencer had had enough,

"How can you just throw his things about like this?" Spencer said his voice rising in pitch.

"We're getting things of value. Things with meaning. What business is it of yours anyway? Why are your things even over here? Matthew never mentioned he had many friends."

Spencer bent down next to one of the bags and pulled out a white teddy bear. He knew it had been Matt's favorite. Matt had told Spencer one night, saying his father had given it to him when he was five and that he hardly went anywhere without it.

Spencer stood and hugged the bear to his chest. "I'm someone who loved and cared for him a thousand fold more than you seem to."

Matt's parents stood stock-still. His mother had a look of simultaneous understanding, disgust, and horror. It didn't suit her face at all.

Spencer continued before either could speak. "Your son was just murdered and you don't even seem to care. All you are doing is throwing away his most prized possessions." Spencer felt the first signs of tears, but refused to give into them. Not here. Not now. Not in front of these people.

"How dare you? You didn't even know him!"

"Know him?" Spencer gave a bitter laugh. "I was in love with him." He knew Matt hadn't told his parents, that he hadn't wanted them to know, but Spencer couldn't keep it in any longer. "We were dating. He was my boyfriend. Had been for months."

Matt's father looked outraged. Then his faced changed to one of realization. "You're the boy that dodged the police to get to Matthew's body. The same one that has been poking around ever since."

"Don't you want your son's killer found?" Spencer couldn't believe his ear. Could Matt's father really have hated him that much?

"Of course I do," he spat at Spencer. "I would also like little gay boys who think they are in love with my son to stay the hell away!" Matt's father picked up a small pile and thrust it into Spencer's arms; Spencer realized they were his things. "Here. This is what you came for. I think it's time you left." Matt's father looked livid and Spencer knew better than to push things any further. He'd already done enough damage.

Spencer walked to the door and opened it. Before he left he turned to Matt's parents one last time. "I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm so sorry you never truly got to know your son." With that Spencer closed the door and walked away.

Five weeks later found Spencer sitting in the front row of one of the psychology department's lecture halls. Spencer had just come from the police department, once again checking on Matt's case. The officers kept telling him there was nothing new and even if there was they probably couldn't tell him because he wasn't family.

One officer had taken pity on Spencer, after seeing him in the precinct almost every day since Matt's death. He had taken Spencer aside and told him that he was sorry, but while the case was still open there was really nothing more they could do. There was no DNA match to that found at the crime scene and they had no witnesses, possible suspects, or even potential leads. Spencer had left the precinct with a heavy heart.

Spencer had walked around campus absentmindedly until his feet had brought him to a stop in front of the psych building; where upon he realized it was the day the speaker from the FBI was supposed to come. The speaker he and Matt were going to see together. Spencer had hoped back then the talk would jump-start Matt to choose a new life path. Now Spencer had no hope. He didn't know what to believe. One thing he was sure of, however, was that Matt would not have wanted Spencer to stop living just because he no longer was. Deciding he wasn't going to give in or break his deal with Matt, Spencer had walked into the lecture hall.

Spencer's eyes snapped to the front as the guest speaker came into the room.

"Hello, my name is Jason Gideon. I'm from the Behavioral Analysis Unit of the FBI and I'm here to talk to you about what it takes to become a profiler."

* * *

Spencer finished speaking and Derek realized he had come to the end of his story.

Derek had listen patiently as Spencer had gone through it all, every excruciating detail. Derek had not interrupted; he had held Spencer when he cried, wiping the tears away. He had given him comfort when Spencer felt he didn't have the courage or strength to go on.

Matt had been such a big part of his life. Spencer had picked up so many of his habits and engrained them with his own. He had taken Matt's perfect career and yet, "I've never told anyone about Mat before." Spencer confessed. "And being back on that campus brought back so many memories."

"Did they ever find Matt's killer?" Derek asked.

"Not until a week or so ago." Upon seeing Derek's confused expression Spencer continued. "When I became a part of the FBI I asked one of the detectives to alert me if any new information ever came up on the case." Derek nodded. "When we were there I asked him if he had run the DNA in a while, he said he hadn't but he would as soon as our case was over and he had the time."

"What did he find?" Derek was eager to know.

"He called me two days after we got back home. Our unsub's DNA matched Matt's killer." Spencer paused to collect himself as tears began to sting his eyes. "Matt must have been his first kill. We just got the guy after killing had become his life."

Derek thought back to their California case. It had not ended well. The unsub had been on a psychotic break, killing college students, just like his first, apparently. Spencer had been forced to shoot the unsub before he killed another student. _That's some kind of poetic justice._ Derek thought.

Derek hugged Spencer tightly. "I'm going to call Hotch and request a few days off for both of us."

Spencer looked quizzically at him. "Why?"

"You'll see. Come on, Pretty Boy, let's go to bed. You look like you've been run over by a bus." He said, good naturedly, moving off the couch and pulling Spencer up by the hands.

Spencer stood there for a second just looking at Derek. "I love you." The emotions in Spencer's voices spoke volumes more than those three words ever could about how he felt about Derek.

Derek pulled Spencer to him and pressed a gentle kiss to his lips. "I love you too." Derek whispered before pulling Spencer to the bedroom.

"I can't do this," Spencer said for the hundredth time.

"Yes you can." Derek said taking his hand and lifting Spencer's bag off the airport conveyer belt. "I'll be there every step of the way."

Spencer was frozen in the car. He turned to Derek terrified. "I haven't been here in nearly fifteen years."

"You need this." Derek got out of the rental car and walked around to the passenger side. He opened the door and crouched on the ground putting his hands on Spencer's knees. "Look at me Pretty Boy." He waited until Spencer's eyes made contact with his before continuing. "Just breathe. Say what's in your heart, the words will come to you. I'll be right beside you the whole time."

Spencer took a deep breath and stood up. He reached and grabbed the white lily off the dashboard. "I can do this." He grabbed Derek's hand and started off through the cemetery.

Spencer stopped at a moderate looking stone. Not too fancy it was simple yet elegant. Derek took a step away from Spencer; close enough to be reached if Spencer needed him but far enough away to give Spencer some privacy.

"Hey Matt," Spencer began awkwardly. "I'm sorry I haven't come to visit. I just—I just couldn't. It hurt too much." Spencer paused. "I felt like I failed you. Even after I joined the FBI, I still couldn't find your killer." Tears started to flow down his cheeks unbidden. "I couldn't face you, Matt, knowing I was a failure. But I got him. It took almost fifteen years but you can finally be at peace. He won't hurt anyone ever again." Spencer's legs went weak. He felt Derek's warm arms encircle his waist holding him steady.

"Matt, there's something else I need to tell you too. You don't have to worry about me anymore." He sniffed. "Matt, this is Derek. He's my new boyfriend." He felt vaguely guilty introducing the two of them until he felt Derek get him a slight squeeze. "He makes sure I don't do anything too stupid." Spencer's laugh was laden with tears. " I just wanted to let you know that I'm okay now and that you changed my life in so many ways."

Spencer stepped out of Derek's embrace and knelt on the grass in front of the headstone placing the flower gently on top of the grass covered mound of earth.

Spencer briefly ran his fingers along the headstone, tracing the letters of Matt's name. "Matt, the only thing I can say is: I love you. I'll always love you. And goodbye."

As Spencer said those last words he felt as though a huge weight, he had been carrying around for over thirteen years, had been lifted. He stood up and brushed the dirt from his trousers.

As he took Derek's hand and as they made their way out of the cemetery, Spencer knew he could finally move on and have the life he always hoped for.


End file.
